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Living in a Conscious Relationship

I have yet to know of the person who completely understands how relationships fully work and thrive. Sometimes it just seems to be a magical alchemical process between two individuals who love each other. But those of us who have experienced a short or long relationship know it’s not that easy. The delicate dance between personal thriving and couple dependence is a difficult balance to achieve. When that inevitable imbalance occurs, it can send a couple into a confusing tailspin. However, there are some deep philosophical attitudes that can help sustain the balance within a couple—and not only keep them cooperative, but also help them grow and evolve both individually and together.

The single most significant way a relationship can grow and thrive is for each individual to be “awake” to him or herself and to his or her thoughts and feelings. When you are “conscious” you can be completely yourself, while being connected and open to the attention and love of the other person. In an imbalanced or “enmeshed” relationship, you have two halves trying to become a whole. When one person does not entirely love him or herself and has unresolved childhood wounds, she/he skews the relationship by expecting the other to do the loving and repairing for her/him. In a relationship that is “awake,” each person knows he/she is whole within and does not need the other person to complete him/her or fix his/her hurts. Both partners learn to self-soothe their own disregulated emotions and do not expect their partners to do it for them.

Some aspect of not loving oneself lies in wait at the bottom of most relationships. Often we project the unloved parts of ourselves onto the other person so it looks like the other is doing the “un-loving.” As an awake individual, it’s important for one to find those parts of oneself that have been disowned and are unlovable—and begin the process of inviting them back—with love. Without that act, you will constantly feel that your partner is not giving you what you need; and your partner will constantly feel that no matter what he or she does, it is never enough. When each person takes responsibility for being awake and conscious in the relationship, creative energy is freed up, and harmony can exist in that delicate dance of togetherness.

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